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Boks break bread on MasterChef challenge
By Luke Meredith
Coach Peter de Villiers may have initially denied it, but the word out of South Africa is that the Springboks’ “injured” stars have been training in a secret Rustenburg camp. However, instead of practicing their line-outs, rucks and mauls, reports from the camp suggest they’ve been honing their duck liver parfait, pork belly terrine and ‘crockenbush’ skills.
UK MasterChef founder Franc Roddam conceded last night that South African television station Mnet had secured rights to produce a local version of the reality franchise.
ThePublicApology understands that the production crew had insisted upon having at least two top-tier Boks on the show. And according to reports, competition was so fierce between players that a secret training session and cook off had to take place.
MasterChef, blamed for disrupting international fixtures
Meanwhile, it is understood that Victor Matfield and Fourie Du Preeze emerged as the two successful players-turned-chefs, edging out Bryan Habana. Habana was left disappointed when judges described his truffle risotto with braised chanterelles as “unpredictable and laced with errors, just like his rugby.”
One judge later referred to Habana’s inclusion in the MasterChef cook off as “the product of an outdated system.”
“He was only there because, in post-apartheid South Africa, all competitions require a certain quota of non-white players; it’s a bloody disgrace,” he said.
“Chefs, like footy players and cricketers, should be picked on merit and not on the colour of their skin.”
Habana, "I thought he'd bring more to the table"
Matfield and Du Preeze are reportedly looking forward to facing more complicated culinary challenges with other prominent South Africans, including Archbishop Desmond Tutu, author J.M. Coetzee and actor Arnold Volsoo – better known as the ‘bad guy in the Mummy movies’ – when the MasterChef series premieres later this year.
Americans love soccer… Every four years
Very few things can bring out the most rabid jingoist in the United States. Until the other week, I was unaware that the U.S. Women’s National Team was on that list. Prior to this month, I knew more participants in the annual 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest than I knew the ladies of the U.S. National Team. Last Saturday, if you were to tell me the name of America’s head coach – Pia Sundhage – I would have assumed that she was the new President of the International Monetary Fund before guessing that she was the leader of my nation’s finest female soccer players. Before the U.S. stunned Brazil in a heart-pounding thriller, I thought the U.S. Women’s National Team was where Freddy Adu had been playing for the past few years.
Since the World Cup ended (in a heart-wrenching loss to Japan), I have a new first and third ex-wife (Hope Solo and Alex Morgan in that order). After the quarter final victory over Brazil, Oklahoma City Thunder superstar Kevin Durant tweeted that he was going to name his first daughter Hope Solo after her stunning performance in the penalty shoot-out, (imagine the athletic freak show that those two could create… I think it could look a little something like this). With their victory over Brazil, the U.S. Women’s National Team were able to redeem the Men’s National Team for losing to a country — Ghana — who’s GDP is less than that of Wyoming … seriously GHANA?!?!?!
US goalkeeper Hope Solo
For three beautiful weeks in July, my Facebook feed was overwhelmed with YouTube reaction videos; Sportscenter had something to talk about other than the NFL and NBA lockouts; people were googling ‘Megan Rapinoe lesbian?’ and American women felt a sense of empowerment only matched by the feeling they had when they won the right to vote.
One week on though, as Michael Phelps will tell you, Americans will find more interest in whether or not there will be a sequel to Kevin James’ The Zookeeper. What’s the moral of this story, one might ask? Hope Solo and Kevin Durant better hook up SOON!!!
Woods and Williams separate over ‘cheating’ allegations
Tiger Woods has accused his New Zealand-born caddie and confidante Steve Williams of ‘cheating’ on him.
Woods fired Williams this week after rumours began to circulate that the caddie had been secretly courting Australian golfer Adam Scott. Just days after the split, Williams confirmed that he had accepted an offer to caddie for the Australian on a permanent basis.
“I can’t believe that it’s over after 12 years – I really thought we had something special,” a teary-eyed Woods told reporters.
“That’s what you get for investing heavily in someone – it’s definitely the last time I give myself to someone at the exclusion of all others. Fuck monogamy,” he added, bitterly.
Williams told ThePublicApology that being on the PGA tour for over a decade had its temptations.
“There’s just so many exciting, young, talented golfers out there – and while Tiger is certainly a wonderful, charming man, our relationship just dried up over time. He just wasn’t giving me the attention I craved,” he said.
“But I never, ever cheated on him.”
Williams recalled the time he first noticed Scott, back in 2002 at the US Masters, with fondness.
“He was this young 22-year-old, lithe, with a gorgeous swing and laconic Australian charm,” he said.
“We shared a few drinks at the 19th hole over the last seven or eight years and eventually he made the ultimate commitment to me, asking me to be his exclusive caddy. I was stunned, but of course I said yes!”
Scott and Williams, now an item
ThePublicApology understands that Williams has been seeing other prominent golfers at the 19th hole – and occasionally outside of official PGA tournaments – over the past decade. Phil Mickleson, John Daly, Robert Allenby and Miguel Angel Jimenez have all been linked to the New Zealander, while grainy photographs emerged of a professional tryst between the caddy and Woods’ compatriot Jim Furyk, just months ago.
Gossip website TMZ published photographs of Williams giggling with Furyk at a driving range in Florida in April, but both parties denied it was anything more than “two mates catching up for a hit.”
The string of allegations against Williams are not expected to derail his burgeoning career, or affect the relationship between the caddie and new boss Adam Scott.
Muslim leader to boycott Danny Green bout
"I'm too tempted", Sheik al-Hilali
Controversial Muslim cleric Sheik al-Hilali has pledged to boycott boxer Danny Green’s bout against Antonio Carver this Wednesday night after Green referred to the American as “a piece of meat I’ll chop up.”
Al-Hilali is most known in Australia for his controversial sermon in 2006 in which he said that men were inherently tempted by immodestly-dressed women, referring to such ladies as “uncovered meat.”
But it now appears the uncovered meat reference extended not just to women – but any type of meat-product on public display.
“I was initially really excited about the fight, but I wasn’t aware that there would be any edible meat inside the ring,” he said.
“I better not turn up, it might be too tempting to ravage Carver’s bleeding carcass. You know how us blokes get around uncovered meat!” he added.
The cleric has offered his ring-side ticket to celebrity vegan and former Australian Idol host Andrew ‘G’ Ginsberg.
Ready for the taking.
Meanwhile, vegetarian crusaders have taken Green’s playful pre-bout jibe literally, with hundreds flooding to online-auction website eBay to pawn their tickets. The stray comment could potentially cost organisers thousands of dollars in revenue.
“I came to see a clean fight, not an act of barbarity,” said Harmony McArthur, a vegetarian of nearly seven years.
“Whatever happened to clean, vegetarian-friendly pre-bout banter?”
Green later apologised for his comment, requesting to have it put on the record that he would “slice Carver up like a chunk of tofu.”
AFL player bucks trend, puts grand final over birth of child
"It's a once in a lifetime event"
A Collingwood player has signaled his intention to play in the 2011 decider despite the fact his pregnant wife is due to give birth on grand final day.
The footballer, who asked to remain anonymous, said he took heart from former Collingwood great Saverio Rocca, who famously left his wife in labor to play in a 2005 elimination final.
“I know a lot of blokes will choose the birth of their child over a footy game, but I think it’s time we stopped feeling obliged to be there for our partners and just got on with our day job,” he said.
“I don’t want to go there and sit around feeling useless, holding my drugged-up missus’ hand while while some doctor does his thing, I’d rather go out and help my team to grand final glory.”
The unlucky player has been told his child is expected for October 1, the date of the 2011 grand final. He blamed himself for not “doing the math.”
“We’ d been trying to conceive for a while and it wasn’t until we went on a honeymoon to Bali in the late off-season over January and February that [his wife] Charlene fell pregnant. In retrospect, I should have thought a bit more about the AFL’s programming for the 2011 season before I knocked her up, but the tropical backdrop and flowing Mai Tai cocktails took control of my bodily urges – I’ve only got myself to blame.”
80% of footballers conceive their offspring on the Indonesian island
The move is a break from the usual tradition of athletes putting their family ahead of big sporting occasions.
Cricketer Kevin Pietersen fled the World Twenty20 in the Caribbean last year to attend their birth of his first child, while Australian all-rounder Andrew McDonald hurried home mid-way through the 2009 Ashes series to be by his wife’s side for the big occasion.
And Port Adelaide captain Dom Cassisi could miss this Sunday’s clash with Melbourne, to be played in Darwin, after he elected to stay with his wife up until the day before the game in case she went into labor.
Cassisi was reportedly tempted to emulate Western Bulldogs backman Brian Lake’s “putting footy first” philosophy, but backed out at the 11th hour. Lake famously had the birth of his daughter induced back in 2009 so that he could take part in the finals series.
Netballer suspended for Hopoate-style incident, Hopoate blamed
Hopoate, his fingerprints were all over it
Former NRL bad boyJohn Hopoate has been accused of playing a “mentoring role” in an incident that resulted in the suspension of a Victorian netballer.
The Warrnambool Standard reported that a South West District Netball League player was accused of sticking her finger up an opponent’s skirt several times and making inappropriate contact with her backside and crotch area in a Round 12 fixture earlier this month.
ThePublicApology understands that Hopoate had taken on a $15,000 a year position as ‘forwards coach’ for the unnamed Victorian team. He was headhunted for his unorthodox methods in unsettling players, but the move appears to have backfired. The former Manly player is now believed to be in hiding in country Victoria.
An SWDNL official told ThePublicApology that the specific nature of the incident “rang a few alarm bells.”
“We thought it was a bit strange, so we made a few phone calls and found out that ‘Hoppa’ had been doing a bit of freelance netball coaching,” she said.
“Call me old fashioned, but I won’t tolerate digital penetration in our league. Fingering might be acceptable in the NRL, but not in the SWDNL.”
Making his acting debut alongside Chris Lilley
Hopoate was suspended for several weeks in 2001 for “contrary conduct” after he inserted his finger in the anuses of three North Queensland Cowboys’ players, the first occurring during the seventh minute of play. The three players involved, Glenn Morrison, Peter Jones and Paul Bowman, are still receiving NRL-funded counseling.
Since retiring from the NRL, Hopoate has enjoyed a moderately successful boxing career. He also appeared in three episodes of Australian mockumentary Summer Heights High as the father of troubled teen Jonah Takelua, played by Chris Lilley.
The Real Origin of Mal’s Fury
Once were mates, Meninga and Stuart
By Mikhail Ushakoff
Malcolm Norman Meninga is an Australian icon. A legendary goal-kicking centre that dominated all three tiers of professional rugby league; a hairy, muscle-bound warhorse of the pre-metrosexual era. But the Origin doyen’s stinging attack on the NSWRL, labelling the organisation hierarchy as “filth and rats”, was a verbal tirade unmatched in rugby league history. And what’s more, the allegations of judiciary bias are serious and could land the champion in court on a defamation charge.
However, recent evidence has come to light that that paints an entirely different picture behind what sparked the former policeman’s rant. It’s a story of pent-up rage that stretches back almost two decades to the glory days of the Canberra Raiders, Meninga’s alma mater.
Several of Meninga’s former Canberra teammates of the late 80s and early 90s have told ThePublicApology that the real origin of this dispute has nothing to do with allegations of judiciary bias, or claims that the Queensland coach is merely a figurehead. Instead, it lies in a Manuka Oval training ground dustup the Queenslander had with his NSW teammates in 1994.
ThePublicApology understands that during this period, the Canberra Raiders leadership group – a veritable cavalcade of NSW superstars, including Laurie Daley, Bradley Clyde and Ricky Stuart – called an urgent meeting to discuss the fading accuracy of Mal Meninga’s toe-pokes. The trio voted in favour of the young New South Welshman, David Furner, to take over the goal-kicking duties from the much-admired centre, Meninga. However, the proposal was blocked by the three Queenslanders in the leadership group, Mal, Steve Walters and Gary Belcher. With the vote deadlocked at three-all, the final vote fell to coach and fellow New South Welshman, Tim Sheens. Sheens, history will show, casted it in favour of the young second rower.
Sheens, held the crucial deciding vote
One source has claimed that Mal became enraged after the meeting, storming off Manuka Oval in disbelief. “He kept shouting ‘how the hell can a forward have the goal-kicking duties, we’re gonna be the laughing stock of the Winfield Cup?!’”, the source told ThePublicApology, on the condition of anonymity.
“‘This is a bloody gee up. My boot was good enough to win us two premierships, countless Ashes series and a shit-load of Origins. What’s changed since then’?” the source added, continuing to quote Meninga.
The source added that Meninga continued to tell Queensland teammates that Furner’s appointment as goal-kicker was “a New South Wales conspiracy,” done because “we won Origin last year – those rats are trying to destabilise me and blood that young Furner for the Blues.”
Throughout history, dictators have often compared their enemies to “filth and rats.” It is a fact that Hitler’s Mein Kampf – and assorted Nazi propaganda – make manifold references to the phrase. Several Canberra players who were coached by Mal in the post-Sheens era can attest to his autocratic methods; tellingly, it has been mooted that the reason Meninga abandoned his short lived political career – which lasted 27 seconds – was because of a well-held distaste for the consultative democratic processes of the Australian political system.
Hitler, like Meninga, was not a fan of consultative democracy
Now obviously no one has suggested that Meninga is anti-Semitic as there is no evidence of such; what’s more, ThePublicApology would likely be sued for doing so. What this does illustrate, however, is that underneath the friendly, but extremely thin, exterior of ‘Big Mal’, lays a tyrannical dictator who unleashes his vitriolic sprays on all who oppose and question his ability as a coach, a goal-kicker or player.
Meninga’s dictatorial tendencies as a coach are said to be the main reasons behind Ricky Stuart and Bradley Clyde’s defections to the Bulldogs in the late 90’s. Funnily enough, Meninga’s coaching tenure also coincided with the powerhouse club’s drastic dip in fortunes. It is also rumoured that Meninga and Laurie Daley clashed many times in the early 2000’s before the former’s mediocre club coaching career reached its eventual – and inevitable – demise shortly thereafter.
During the last decade, however, it seemed that all had been forgotten between these former Raiders greats. But the mind-games during this year’s State of Origin series is said to have reopened old wounds for Mal; in particular, the assertion from Ricky Stuart and the NSW coaching staff that Meninga wasn’t the real coach of Queensland, but merely a figurehead.
Just a figurehead
Laurie Daley is said to have added fuel to the fire in his address to the NSW team before Origin III in which he is believed to have said, verbatim, “Who gives a fuck about Darren Lockyer, we didn’t give a fuck about Mal in 1994, so why should you treat those ‘Canetoads’ with any respect?” Meninga, with his long memory, had not forgotten that Laurie Daley was captain of the victorious Blues in the 1994 series, whose win denied the legend a glorious Origin swansong. This, it appears, was enough to reawaken the sleeping giant’s tyrannical tendencies.
The tirade that followed Origin III has clearly shocked league supporters and officials alike; however, these new revelations suggest the outburst was to be expected. Mal, according to tens of ThePublicApology sources, is a control freak, one who cannot handle any criticism, dissent or questioning of his ability.
Meninga needs help. Perhaps it needs to come from rugby league’s very own Dr Phil: Phillip Ronald Gould. Gus is known to have success with the previously recalcitrant Raider-turned-coach, Ricky Stuart, may have just the remedy for Meninga’s thin skin. Failing this, the Queensland coach can at least take solace in the fact that he isn’t the most inept former Origin-great-turned-coach. That mantle undeniably belongs to Artie “I am Origin” Beetson.
Mal may have been a great player, but his ability as a coach, and his friendly reputation, must now come firmly into question in light of these shocking revelations. We only hope that Mal can put the past behind him, and move on.
Study reveals ‘white line fever’ is just a myth
Not a medical condition after all
By Hugh Holden
The common affliction known as ‘white line fever’ has plagued professional sports for decades, but a new study has delivered some startling results that may have wide-ranging repercussions for athletes.
A University of Western Australia study has found that white line fever is in fact not a fever at all, nor is it any sort of identifiable medical condition. The study, authored by clinical academic neurologist Dr. Peter Dickson, analysed a variety of sports, including cricketers, various footballers, netballers and tennis players. It found that white line fever was a myth and that players suffering from it were more than likely just “selfish bastards.”
Dickson said he was “absolutely gobsmacked” by the findings. “Across the board, we found no evidence that white line fever had any physical impact upon the players complaining of it, or that it even existed,” he said. “We did however notice that these players were far more likely to behave in an unsportsmanlike manner on the field.”
Almost since the beginning of sport itself, players at all levels have used white line fever as an excuse for poor conduct. Sports psychologist Dr. John F. Murray told ThePublicApology that the results of the study would change the mindset of athletes.
“I have done a lot of work with players looking to control their white line fever as it often leads to bad behaviour,” he said. “Now we find out that it doesn’t really exist. I guess now there is no excuse for them – if they behave like a dickhead it’s not because of white line fever, it’s just because they are a dickhead. This is something that they will have to come to terms with.”
Bird, known to suffer from the affliction
The University of Western Australia has since received funding for another study to be completed later this year, this time looking at the physical effects of a ‘brain explosion’ – another frequently quoted cause of stupid, violent, poor or unsportsmanlike play. Dickson told ThePublicApology that the results of this study could be just as surprising.
“Although it is too early to make any categorical statements, we have begun scanning the brains of players shortly after they have suffered a brain explosion, and so far we haven’t identified a single case where the brain had actually exploded,” he said.
“What I have noticed is that players who complain frequently of brain explosions tend to have lower levels of brain activity than others. I’m not sure yet whether this is related.”
Dickson said the imminent study would also look at brain fades and brain snaps. He hinted that former Sydney Swan Barry Hall’s king-hit on West Coast’s Brent Staker in 2008 would be used as a case study. Following intense media attention, Hall famously sought help from a psychiatrist after the incident to try and find out why he punched Staker for no reason.
Meanwhile, ThePublicApology spoke very briefly with NSW State of Origin forward Greg Bird, who is a frequent sufferer of both white line fever and brain explosions.
Bird had this to say about the findings: “Shit.”
Chanderpaul outshines Jeter, notches up millionth ‘leave’
Chanderpaul, playing a rare stroke
West Indies veteran Shivnarine Chanderpaul has shouldered arms to a delivery for the one millionth time in a test match.
The incredible feat comes just one day after New York Yankees slugger Derek Jeter registered his 3,000th ‘hit’ some 16 years after making his MLB debut.
Chanderpaul’s historic moment came in the 43rd over of the third test against India this week, when the left-hander ignored an innocuous outswinger by Indian paceman Zaheer Khan. The eager Barbados crowd immediately flooded the field to congratulate the bemused batsman, who himself was not even aware of the occasion.
“Its just testament to my longevity in the game, I guess, but never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined as a kid that I’d go down as the greatest leaver in the game,” he said.
“I guess it just comes down to knowing where your off-stump is and thinking ‘shit, that’s probably not worth playing at’. People definitely underestimate the mental side of leaving the ball alone.”
Accepting a specially-made award at the conclusion of the third day of the test against India at Barbados, Chanderpaul said he hoped his achievement wouldn’t take any of the publicity away from Jeter’s feat.
” Three thousand hits, geez that’s something. I bet he remembers every mishit, ‘Baltimore chop’, ‘Texas leaver’ and bunt.”
Jeter, bunts counted for some 1.5 million 'hits'
When asked to name his best ‘leave’, Chanderpaul said it was almost impossible, but there was one that “probably stands out against the rest.”
“I did a really nice leave against Australia at the WACA in 1999. It was a hard deck and [Glenn] McGrath was generating some steeping bounce. I just shuffled back and across and raised my arms well above my head; the ball managed a bit of late swing through to the keeper. It really set the tone, albeit a boring one, for my innings.”
“I watched it a few times at home on video [since then] and it looked really nice.”
Meanwhile, Lakers legend Kobe Bryant will be hoping the current lockout comes to a close soon. The shooting guard is only seven bounces away from recording 10 million bounces of the basketball in official NBA fixtures.
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